Vampire's Kiss (1988)

Vampire's Kiss (1988)
In the mid to late 1980s a bunch of vampire movies came out such as Fright Night (1985), Near Dark (1987), and The Lost Boys (1987), all of which I enjoyed. 
Vampire's Kiss is a horror-comedy movie about literary agent Peter Loew (Nicolas Cage) who thinks he may have turned into a vampire after being bitten by a beautiful girl named Rachel (Jennifer Beals). There isn't much of a plot and the main thing driving the story is a missing file that Loew's boss says early on it's not important. Despite this information, Loew uses the missing contract as an excuse to constantly harass his secretary (played by Maria Conchita Alonso who was in The Running Man and Predator 2). The harsh treatment of the secretary by Loew was just petty and made it hard for me to care about him, vampire or not. Not to mention the fact that he apparently raped this secretary?! Now I guess it is possible he simply imagined it but we see scenes between her and her brother without Cage's character that seem to imply it actually happened. It is possible for a film with an unlikeable protagonist to be work, but Loew is just not interesting outside the fact that he may be a vampire and the story just isn't there.
Most of the humor in the movie comes from Nicolas Cage's hilarious over the top but frantic performance. Although Cage is pretty ridiculous as usual, it does make Vampire's Kiss fun to watch. Overall though the tone doesn't work as the movie is trying to be a vampire horror-comedy along the lines of Fright Night but without much of a plot to support it. In Fright Night you had laughs and scares but they were used to reinforce an interesting story that wasn't just about whether or not the new neighbor was a vampire but how to stop him from turning others into vampires once his true nature was revealed. In Vampire's Kiss we are just left to wonder if Loew is really a vampire or a crazy yuppie dreaming this all up.

The above picture shows you what you are in for when it comes to Cage's acting in the movie. That facial expression in particular caught on with the recent "You Don't Say?" internet meme.
I watched Vampire's Kiss with a group of people and many of them didn't believe the movie was intentionally a comedy. I had no problem as identifying this movie as an intended horror-comedy and it seems to have always been marketed this way judging from the original trailer and posters. However, I think this shows that the movie wasn't able to capture the fun but serious enough tone of a movie like Fright Night.
Jennifer Beals is sexy as a vampire but she doesn't do much besides bite Loew then have sex with him. Couldn't she have helped find that missing file when she isn't out at night seducing Nicolas Cage?! Oddly enough Beals was also in Frankenstein movie The Bride (1985) a few years prior to this film.
Although Vampire's Kiss had its moments, all related to Cage's performance like him buying plastic vampire teeth or eating cockraoches, the movie didn't work for me. I liked that it was ambiguous as to if being a vampire was all in Loew's imagination, but there wasn't much of a point other than that. I feel that there needed more to the story than just "is he crazy or not?" since we don't get any definitive answers on that anyway. Maybe if Loew actively tried to be a human again or stop Rachel there would've been more to suck me in (pun intended) while keeping the ambiguity. I also think Loew should have been more likeable (like, you know, not a rapist!) so that we would have cared more about the character other than just what outlandish thing Nic Cage would do next.
Vampire's Kiss is watchable thanks to Cage's hilarious screams and wacky facial expressions. Without his memorable performance this movie would have been totally different and probably have been completely forgotten today. Nicolas Cage seems to always put in either great or terrible performances, all of which are usually interesting to see. I've now seen eleven Nicolas Cage movies, including his brief role in Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982).
Another mid 80s vampire comedy is the movie Once Bitten (1985) starring Jim Carrey. I'll have to check it out sometime and see how it stacks up against Vampire's Kiss.
4/10

Three Bad Movies

Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012)
This is the second movie released in 2012 that I saw! I'll get to the other 2012 films I've seen in my next few posts. Of course while I saw those in theaters, this movie made its premiere on the SyFy Channel!
Jersey Shore Shark Attack is both a Jaws rip-off and parody of MTV reality show Jersey Shore at the same time. I don't think it will surprise anybody that this movie has poor acting and terrible special effects. However, I didn't expect that Jersey Shore Shark Attack would feature two actors from Goodfellas: Tony Sirico and Paul Sorvino! Both actually do a good job in their roles here considering the material. I would hope that they are getting better offers than this, but maybe these guys just have a good sense of humor.
I must mention that Joey Fatone, formerly of boy band 'N Sync, has a great cameo appearance!
Jersey Shore Shark Attack was produced by Fred Olen Ray who has directed and produced tons of low budget B-movies and exploitation flicks. I've never seen an Olen Ray movie before but keep in mind this is the guy who brought us Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers and Reptisaurus!  
Jersey Shore Shark Attack is not really a horror movie but more of a comedy with jokes that are hit or miss. Some scenes like the one with Joey Fatone or the line "Is that spaghetti sauce?" (referring to blood) are hilarious. However, others attempts at humor fall flat or too padded with boring scenes.
The writing was actually better than I expected in terms of the parodies and jokes. We even have some character development and a use of Chekov's Gun, or harpoon in this case. Unfortunately the basic rule of "show, don't tell" us violated in a major way once. I guess the reason for that is that the budget didn't call for a flashback so a character just tells a long story about what happened instead!
Our main characters are Jersey Shore knock-offs who are almost as unlikeable as their real life counter-parts. Despite this face it seems that the movie thinks we should actually root for them. The attempt at solving this problem of main characters who are easy to hate is that the villains are annoying snooty, rich, yuppies but I just wanted to see everybody eaten by the albino sharks!
While this is not a good movie, I must give it some credit for being entertaining enough. Too many bad movies are just plain boring so when a dumb fun one comes around I can't hate it too much. I could even see Jersey Shore Shark Attack getting a cult following someday, though I think this movie will be forgotten about once the popularity of Jersey Shore fades away.
Oh, and I love the tagline on the above poster: "Forget The Avengers, we have a new contender for best film of the summer." That must be a joke, taken out of context, a fake quote, or the critic just got really drunk!
I'll finish this review the same way the movie ends:
Fin
3/10

No Holds Barred (1989)
I'm not a wrestling fan but have always found it interesting. Professional wrestling features good guys, heels, larger than life personalities, a mixing of reality with fantasy, has always had a large dedicated fan base. If you think about it like that it is no different from the world of film!
Although Hulk Hogan made his film debut in Rocky III as Thunderlips, No Holds Barred is the first movie to feature Hogan in a leading role. Not surprisingly Hogan plays a professional wrestler (named Rip) who is not much different from Hulk Hogan himself. A rival TV network tries to get Rip to wrestle for them but Rip refuses to break his existing contract at any price. This leads Brell, the sleazy head of the World Television Network (played by Kurt Fuller who was in Wayne's World and many other movies), to start his own wrestling competition called "Battle of the Tough Guys." This wrestlers are extremely violent and play by no rules. For some reason they even have a midget in a cage over their ring! Eventually a mysterious huge guy named Zeus wins the tournament and demands to fight Rip. Fuller's performance as Brell reminded me of Q from Star Trek: The Next Generation but as without the god powers and more of a scumbag. Brell likes to call Hulk Hogan a "Jock Ass" which is pretty funny though it gets irritating after a while. Besides Hogan and Fuller, Jesse Ventura has a cameo (as himself of course!) and I also recognized David Paymer who has been in tons of films and TV shows.
The most outrageously hilarious scene of the movie features the now infamous line, "Dookie?!"
Check it out here!
As you can tell from that clip, a lot of dialogue is grunting and yelling. I guess it makes sense in a movie about wrestling. I wasn't expecting Shakespeare, but its still pretty funny.
This is the 3rd Hulk Hogan movie I've seen after Santa with Muscles and 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain. I have reviewed all on this blog and as you could probably guess, this is my favorite Hulk Hogan movie so far!
The weekend No Holds Barred came out in theaters in 1989 it debuted second in the box office behind Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade!
The first act is hilarious and engaging but the movie looses steam purely from an entertainment standpoint after that. These are still some amusing parts but after that the pacing slows down and the fighting gets repetitive. Although No Holds Barred is a bad movie its still a lot of fun. I watched it with a friend who is a wrestling fan and we have a blast. This is Hulk Hogan's Bloodsport though I still prefer that Van Damme flick to this one!
4/10

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996)
Ernest Borgnine died last week at the age of 95. He is one of my favorite actors as I love his roles in The Wild Bunch, Escape from New York, and many more films and TV shows. In honor of the late, great Oscar winner I watched the MST3K episode Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders with a friend.
The framing story of this movie features Borgnine as a grandfather telling stories to his grandson. The first story involves a couple with fertility problems who meet Merlin at his store. The husband doesn't believe he is really a wizard so Merlin gives him a book of spells to prove it. The man messes up the spell, fights a cat, then turns into a baby which his wife decides to raise. Then the grandfather tells another story about a toy monkey that can kill people when it clangs its cymbals which was stolen from Merlin's shop. Merlin tries to find the toy monkey before too much damage is done!
This movie is a stinking mess but at least there is an explanation. Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders was made out of the per-existing films The Devil's Gift (1984) with new footage stitched in. The monkey story obviously looks older than the other footage. The segments with the monkey is also said to rips off a Stephen King short story and I can't say I'm surprised.
Both stories are surprisingly violent, especially for what appears on the cover to be a family fantasy film.
Although this movie is terrible, its a great MST3K episode. This one is from Season 10 so its a Sci-fi Channel Mike episode. I loved the re-curring riffs on the infertility subplot and the geriatric grandfather.
2/10

Even though all these movies sucked, at least I enjoyed watching them for different reasons!
Next Up: Summer TV shows

Major League II and III

I'm a big baseball fan and watched these sequels while doing others things, such as catching up on blog posts!

Major League II (1994)
Sequels are generally considered to be bad. However, in my experience it seems that for sequels to movies not part of a franchise (such as Star Trek or Batman), the first sequel is usually not as good as the original but not horribly bad either. While this is the case with Major League II, it was still an unnecessary sequel only made to cash in on the success of the first movie.
There was a five year gap between the original and this sequel. David S. Ward returned to direct but didn't write the screenplay this time. Besides Major League, Ward's other claim to fame is winning an Oscar for best writing with The Sting.
Wesley Snipes did not return and Omar Epps takes over his character, Willie Mays Hayes. Chelcie Ross also did not come back and his character is not even mentioned. The two are essentially replaced with more screen time for real life baseball announcer "Mr. Baseball" Bob Uecker, Randy Quaid as self-loathing fan, and a young catcher with a throwing problem played by Eric Bruskotter.
The owner of team from first movie is back but it feels shoehorned in just re-hashes of the scenes from the original.
I noticed that there are more baseball jokes this time around than first movie, though its less realistic about the game later in the movie. The baseball humor is probably why I liked it even though its less focused than the original. I found it pretty funny and the character arcs were done well for what this is.
Major League II was ahead of its time with the depiction of a Japanese baseball player coming to the US to play in the Major Leagues and baseball players selling out by advertising for companies.
Jesse Ventura even has a cameo by way of the film within a film Black Hammer and White Lightning!
Trivia note: The Indians meet White Sox in ALCS. This is the same team the Angels faced in the ALCS in Angels in the Outfield (1994).
If you liked the first or are a baseball junkie like me, its worth a watch.
6/10

Major League: Back to the Minors (1998)
Although this movie is commonly referred to as Major League III, the number doesn't appear in the title. I guess technically Major League: Back to the Minors is a spin-off. This makes more sense since in the first two Major League movies we follow the Cleveland Indians team but some odd reason the team we follow in this movie is the Minnesota Twins and their minor league affiliate, the Buzz.
I'm not sure why this was made. Major League II didn't so well and the main characters played by Charlie Sheen, Tom Berenger, and James Gammon are absent. They didn't even bother to re-cast Willie Mays Hayes again as that character gone too. There are some returning characters (Twins Owner Roger Dorn, announcer Bob Uecker, spiritual outfielder Cerrano, Japanese transplant Tanaka, and catcher Rube Baker), but it's still loosely connected to first two movies with little explanation as to why/how these guys left the Indians and got on the Twins.
Scott Bakula does a nice job playing the manager of the Buzz, though it is strange that his character gets the most focus since he is a brand new character to this series. I guess this is because Bakula is the best actor in this movie! Ted McGinley plays the villainous general manager of the Twins and is fun as usual. I guess McGinley dooms not just TV shows but movie franchises too apparently! Though who knows, maybe Charlie Sheen will return for Major League 4!
While there are a decent amount of baseball movies out there, not many are about the minor leagues which puts a different spin. Probably the best film about minor league baseball is Bull Durham (which I saw awhile ago and need to re-watch sometime).
The main story of Major League: Back to the Minors is that of a big league team playing against their farm team. This actually does happen in pre-season exhibition games though never in the middle of the season as depicted in the film. While these movies are unrealistic but until this point usually contained enough real baseball for me, especially the first one. In this movie the Buzz are supposed to be at the AAA level but their stadium looks like a high school baseball field.
While this movie is not too funny as a comedy, Bakula's character is very likeable and easy to root for so at least it works on that level. Major League: Back to the Minors is watchable but not very good and completely unnecessary as feels more like a made for TV movie. This one is for completionists, baseball lovers, and Scott Bakula fans (like me!) only.
4/10

Spring Wrap-up Part Four

S1m0ne (2002)

I'm a big fan of Andrew Niccol's directorial debut Gattaca but had not seen another one of his movies yet. S1m0ne was his second movie, which like Gattaca he also wrote the screenplay for.
Al Pacino plays once a once successful film director named Viktor Taransky who is now struggling for a hit movie. After a demanding star actress (she only eats red M&Ms!) leaves the production of his current film it seems all is lost, until Taransky is given a computer generated actress from a computer scientist friend, which Taransky can manipulate any way he wants and is indistinguishable from reality. We even get the see images of the actresses that Simone is drawn from, in a subtle but hilarious joke includes... Ernest Borgnine?!
It is probably the dream of every director to be able to control their actors in this way and its fun to watch Taransky directing the fakery of Simone. While this starts off with Taransky controlling her acting, it quickly leads to him also having to keep up the illusion that she is a real person due to her skyrocketing popularity!
S1m0ne was ahead of its time in that it deals with concepts such as CGI, holograms, Photoshopping movie posters, technology in films like Avatar, and even reality TV. The themes of hero worship, cult of personality, celebrity culture, "manufactured celebrities," are hammered home with imagery that focused on cameras and eyes.
S1m0ne is a satire that feels like a Charlie Kaufman film with the biting wit of Heathers. Since the movie is a satire it doesn't take place in the real world, but instead in a universe that is real enough only with exaggerated features to prove a point. For example, Taransky works for "Amalgamated Film Studios" and the other women up against Simone for the Best Actress Oscar all have the last names of software (Apple, Corel, etc.).
Here are some of my favorite lines:
"I can't imagine any other actress playing the part!" "Hal, it's a remake..."
"It was so artificial... I didn't believe it was 17th century Lisbon!
"The escalating threat of violence and all out war was overshadowed today by the Oscar nominations"
"We're okay with fake, just don't lie to us"
Although I really liked S1m0ne, it does have some flaws. The two paparazzi guys are funny enough but I felt they were never fully pulled into the story. From the beginning they felt like a humorous but unnecessary side story. At first I thought the pair were stalker fans until it was later explained that they work at a newspaper, which was confusing.
The concert scene in which Simone becomes a pop star is a showstopper. Sure its necessary to show how big of a star she is, but did we really need to listen to her sing an entire song to prove this point?
Without giving anything away, the ending is a deus ex machina. Satires usually have trouble with endings as they often don't have an answer for how to solve the issue they are discussing. This is the case with S1m0ne, although to be fair I'm not sure how else the movie could have ended without making a huge shift in tone. The ending basically accepts the problem of celebrity overload but a great satire should figure a way how to fix the problem. Even though I felt the ending was a weak spot and could have been better, it didn't really harm my enjoyment of the movie as a whole. I can't wait to see more of Niccol's work!
8/10

Ghost Rider (2007)
I'm not a huge comic book reader and have never read any Ghost Rider. This movie is based on the Marvel comic and is one of the few Marvel properties that got a film which Stan Lee had little to nothing to do. Mr. Excelsior is listed has a producer but we don't get a cameo from Stan the Man!
Nicolas Cage plays our main character, stuntman Johnny Blaze, who becomes the superhero (or perhaps antihero in this case) Ghost Rider. Cage delivers a fun performance. It is not one of his better roles but that has to do more with the screenplay than his acting.
The premise is a deal with devil story in the vein of Faust. Johnny Blaze makes an agreement with Mephistopheles to cure his father's cancer in return for Johnny's soul. This eventually leads to events which cause Johnny to become Ghost Rider.
Sam Elliot does a nice job as the Caretaker, a predecessor of Ghost Rider. The Caretaker in the movie is apparently an amalgam of the character of the same name from the comics and and the Phantom Rider comics character.
I don't usually get into spoilers but there was something near the end that bothered me.  Highlight the text below if you are fine with spoilers.

Near the end of the movie the Caretaker reveals his true identity. This sets up that Ghost Rider is going to team up with the Caretaker to battle the villain. But right before the big showdown, the Caretaker changes back to human for no reason and says he used his last change which means he has permanently lost his powers. It was so stupid and disappointing as I was pumped up for a cool final battle and it ended up being a letdown.

Ghost Rider is not a good movie but its not terrible either and entertaining enough. A sequel came out in February this year and despite David Goyer (Dark City, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight) having a writing credit I think I'll pass on it.
4/10

The Last Unicorn (1982)
Rankin/Bass is probably best known for their Christmas specials such as the stop motion Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964) and the animated Frosty the Snowman (1969). Besides these holiday specials they also made many TV series and feature films, such as The Last Unicorn. Peter S. Beagle wrote the fantasy novel upon which this film is based but I never read it.
The fantastic cast includes the voice talents of Christopher Lee, Keenan Wynn, Angela Lansbury, Jeff Bridges, Mia Farrow, Alan Arkin, and Rene Auberjonois. The animation is also quite good though you'll never get it confused with a Disney film.The Last Unicorn is a kids movie but is intelligent and never plays down to its audience, which I highly respect. It's not the best animated movie ever but certainly something kids can enjoy with their parents. There is some slow pacing and weird stuff like the harpy and the "Red Bull" but I overall I liked it.
6/10

Thus concludes the final spring wrap-up post!

Next up: Two movies by a famous director, Two baseball movies, 2012 movies I have seen so far, and TV shows I am watching this summer.
And if you didn't notice the banner on the right, I'll be participating in the My First Movie Blogathon hosted by Forgotten Classics of Yesteryear in early August.

Spring Wrap-up Part One

Nuns on the Run (1990)
I watched this movie with my brother on a whim. Nuns on the Run stars a post-Monty Python Eric Idle and a pre-Hagrid Robbie Coltrane. Idle and Coltrane play criminals trying to get out of a life of crime but in the process have to hide out in a convent while disguised as nuns. As you could've guessed, wacky hijinks ensue!
Nuns on the Run was written and directed by Jonathan Lynn. While Lynn is not a household name, he has directed several well known movies such as Clue, My Cousin Vinny, and The Whole Nine Yards. I actually haven't seen any of those yet but will eventually!
There are some funny ideas here but it doesn't work overall. The pacing isn't great and there are a bunch of filler scenes. It probably would've worked better as a few independent sketches (such as the when Idle and Coltrane are in a packed parking lot trying to decide which car to steal) than a feature length film.
This counts as a nunsploitation movie, right?!
4/10

What About Bob? (1991)
I've talked about a few Bill Murray movies on this blog in the past so here is another one. Although I had heard good things about this film I hadn't seen it until now. Murray is great as usual but the real star here is Richard Dreyfuss as his reactions to "Bob" make Murray even funnier.
I realized later on that The Cable Guy is similar in that the main character's both have an off-beat obsessive "stalker" who just wants to hang out with them all the time. The relationship between Bob and his therapist is also kinda like that of Dennis the Menace and Mr. Wilson. Except that Dennis would be an adult in this version!
What About Bob? was directed by Frank Oz. Yes, *that* Frank Oz of Sesame Street, Muppets, and Yoda fame. This is the third movie I've seen that Oz has directed. The other two are Death at a Funeral (2007) and The Muppets take Manhattan, both of which I have written about earlier on this blog.
7/10

Man on the Moon (1999)
I'm not a fan of Jim Carrey though I don't dislike him either. I just generally don't go out of my way to see his movies. However, I'm glad I saw this one as it features a great performance by Jim Carrey as actor and comedian Andy Kaufman. He even won a Golden Globe for this role, although could not get an Oscar nomination. The film received no Oscar nominations which is a bit surprising since it does feel like an Oscar bait type movie.
A biographical film seems tough to make as you must condense a person's life into a mere two hours. It was an even more difficult task in this case as what Andy Kaufman was most famous for (his role as Latka Gravas) was probably the least interesting thing about the man.
I felt that the movie focused too much on Andy Kaufman's cancer and death. Kaufman was diagnosed in late November 1983 and died in May 1984. Obviously this is important, but he wasn't sick that long and died pretty quick. On a similar note we we could've had more about Kaufman's life before he was discovered as a comedian.
There are a few anachronisms such as the movie's depiction of Kaufman's Carnegie Hall show being performed after he was diagnosed with cancer, but it fits in with Kaufman's life as a showman who would blend reality and fantasy together. The opening scene of the movie even features Carrey in character as Kaufman stating that parts of "his" life have been changed!
As a biopic about an off-beat personality I couldn't help but be reminded of Tim Burton's Ed Wood. Although Ed Wood and Andy Kaufman were different in several ways, both were true artists who managed accomplish their visions despite of the obstacles of mainstream TV and film-making.
Many actors and other famous people who knew the real Kaufman such as wrestler Jerry Lawlor, Saturday Night Live producer Lorne Michaels, late night talk show host David Letterman, and the cast of Kaufman's TV show Taxi are in the movie as themselves. Danny DeVito (a cast member of Taxi) plays a large role as George Shapiro, Kaufman's manager, but doesn't play himself. There could've been a fun meta moment along the lines of the "color blind" scene in Ed Wood but I guess they didn't want to confuse the audience too much.

Even though I think of Courtney Love as a musician and not an actress, she did a nice job playing Kaufman's girlfriend. If I didn't know who she was I would've assumed she was an actress not famous for anything else.
R.E.M. performed most of the songs for the Man on the Moon soundtrack and did a great job as usual. Their title track was actually not made for the movie as it was originally released in 1992. R.E.M. are apparently big Andy Kaufman fans. The band did write the song "The Great Beyond" specifically for the film.
The final scene is interesting as tackles the urban legend that Andy Kaufman faked his death and is actually still alive, while also reminding us of the influence Andy Kaufman has had on comedy and pop culture.
I was familiar with Kaufman but honestly didn't know much about him before seeing this movie. After watching Man on the Moon I wanted to know a lot more about him and do research on his life, which is something any good biopic should do for its subjects. Luckily there are plenty of videos of him on YouTube, including the infamous Fridays fight incident.
Man on the Moon was directed by Milos Forman, a two-time Oscar winner. I had only seen one of his movies before, One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest, which I love. Somehow I haven't seen Amadeus yet, so I need to watch more of his films.
An interesting piece of trivia about this film is that Forman could not decide between Jim Carrey or Ed Norton for the role of Andy Kaufman. Forman let the studio decide and they chose Carrey because they felt he was a more bankable star at the time.
Man on the Moon received mostly positive reviews from movie critics but lost money at box office. It's too bad that the film was a financial failure as its probably part of the reason Forman hasn't done much since.
8/10

Four More Bad Movies

The Day the Earth Froze (1959)
I saw this movie via the show Mystery Science Theater 3000 which featured it along with the short Here Comes the Circus (1946). This episode was from the fourth season so it was a Joel episode.
The movie itself is a poorly dubbed Finnish/Soviet Fantasy adventure based on Finnish mythology.
Although this is a bad movie it is unintentionally amusing and the riffs were very good. I never heard of this MST3K before so I'd say its an underrated episode. If you're are a fan of MST3K but haven't seen this one yet give it a watch.
2/10

Gigli (2003)
Although I do remember Gigli bombing when it came out and hearing how bad it is, I never saw it. While at the time I wondered if it was really that bad, I'm kinda glad I saw it now because I can say yes, this movie does indeed suck!
From a technical standpoint Gigli not as bad as say Battlefield Earth, but at least that was more fun to watch in all its glorious stupidity. Even though Gigli features both Al Pacino and Christopher Walken, the two are not used properly and could have replaced them with anyone. The movie is incredibly dull as not much happens. Scenes are very long and usually take place in the same areas. I remember one scene in particular where the camera went back and forth to the same two shots so many times in a row I lost count. I know this movie had a beleaguered production, but that is no excuse to get lazy and the end result looks amateurish.
Clocking in at a full two hours this movie is about 30 minutes too long for the plot. It probably wouldn't have been so bad if it was shorter but the story really drags on with tons of scenes where nothing really happens and the conversations just drone on and on.
Despite having an estimated $74 million budget (production and marketing costs), Gigli only made back about $7 million worldwide. Not quite Pluto Nash territory but still a gigantic box office bomb.
Deep down I actually feel there was some potential here. I think if someone re-wrote the script for director Martin Brest, the movie was shorter, and did not star Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez (and therefore didn't try to cash in on their relationship) it actually could have been good. Over $24 million went to Bennifer which is over three times what the movie made in theaters. I have seen Affleck in other movies and while he's not a bad actor, he is awful here. I'm not too familiar with JLo so maybe she has performed better in other movies but she is just as bad as Affleck here.
To be fair, the mentally challenged kid was well acted by Justin Bartha (National Treasure, The Hangover) but not tactfully written. The kid's obsession with "Baywatch" was funny though. Gigli was Bartha's first movie so I am impressed that his career was able to survive being in this flop.

Gigli feels like its trying to copy Tarantino's style but falls flat on its face. For example, the movie uses the word "fuck" 124 times and for the most part the use of the word is completely unnecessary and just thrown in there it make it seem gritty. I've only seen Tarantino's first two movies but he broke a lot of screenwriting rules. However, he still did such a good job with stuff like dialogue that his touch worked. But Brest is not Tarantino and this movie fails miserably. Now to be fair Brest was around before Tarantino so who knows, maybe they both influenced each other.
In what should be no surprise, Gigli won six razzie awards including a grand slam of worst picture, worst actor, worst actress, worst director worst screenplay. It easily won worst on-screen couple.
As I alluded to earlier, director Martin Brest also wrote the script. Brest has directed some good movies but never wrote the script for those and that seems to be the problem here. To be fair this movie did have a difficult production with Brest battling the studio for control. Brest lost and and it was re-cut by the studio before being released. For example, a bunch of scenes in the trailer are not in the movie. Apparently Brest originally intended for the movie to be much longer (160 minutes!) but also darker and violent. However, the producers wanted to cash in on the tabloid craze of "Bennifer" and therefore turn the movie into more of a romantic comedy. A director's cut has never been released and I doubt I would watch it, but its probably better than the theatrical version. Still, you can only polish a turd so much.
The only other movie I've seen by Martin Brest is Beverly Hills Cop which I did like. I'll have to watch some of his good movies as I've been recommended Midnight Run and Scent of a Woman.
Looking at Brest's filmography it is clear he has talent and has made good movies. Brest hasn't made a movie since and even though Gigli is terrible I think that is a shame. Unfortunately pretty much everything that could go wrong did, which is a recipe for disaster. And if you look up Gigli in a thesaurus you will find the word disaster!
There are many movies worse than this from a technical standpoint that are still much more watchable. Gigli is not the worst movie ever but its certainly down there. As for Hollywood movies this is one of the worst I've seen but its still better than Cool as Ice.
2/10

The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends (2007)
Not many movie franchises get to 13 movies. Of course all the sequels after the original (a classic animated children's movie) were to direct to video, but I must still give them credit for making so many as I imagine this means the sequels sold well. As a kid I loved the first one and stuck around until about the sixth movie. What can I say, like most children I loved dinosaurs!
I watched this movie with a bunch of friends as a joke, and even though its a kid's movie, its still a bad kid's movie. Some people give bad kids movies a pass by saying they are simply meant for children, but that is just a slap in the face to the good kids movies out there.
There isn't much of a plot here, basically Littlefoot and his dino buddies have to help some dumb dinosaurs go back to their home, Berry Valley. The story is essentially a dumb-downed version of the original with far less tension and aimed at an even younger audience. The animation is mediocre at best and while the songs are annoying, they are completely forgettable which I guess is a good in a way because I'm glad I don't remember them!
Cuba Gooding Jr. and Sandra Oh voice two of the stupid dinosaurs. I know they are talented, but they have absolutely nothing to work with here.
I can't really recommend The Land Before Time XIII to anyone. If you liked these movies as a child, just re-watch the original. If your kids want to see this it can't hurt, but start them out with the first and perhaps the some of the early sequels as they are all much better that this thoughtless franchise cash-in.
2/10

Girl Happy (1965)
I had never seen an Elvis movie before so I didn't really know what to expect coming into this.
Elvis made over thirty movies between 1956 and 1969. By 1965 the Beatles just started to hit and Beach Party movie fad was in full swing. As a result of these new developments Elvis is given a band (one member is played by Bing Crosby's son, Gary Crosby) and we have the spring break beach setting of Fort Lauderdale, Florida.
Shelley Fabares, Harold J. Stone (X: The Man with the X-Ray Eyes), John Fiedler (Piglet from Winnie the Pooh) were actors I recognized in this movie. All were also in different episodes of my favorite TV show, the Twilight Zone.
Besides those other actors, Girl Happy features Jackie Coogan as a police officer. Is he the only actor to be in movies with both Charlie Chaplin and Elvis Presley?!
Although this movie is technically a musical, I found none of the songs memorable.
For some reason this movie was not filmed on location and it is obvious they filmed Girl Happy on sets.
Despite these drawbacks and the dated 60s lingo this is watchable if you're in the mood for a silly little movie. Elvis steals a boat and puts it in a swimming pool!
4/10

After all these bad movies its time to switch gears. My next post will be on three great movies!

Four Mid-80s Movies

Here is another wrap-up post. I noticed that these movies were all made around the same time (I didn't plan that) so I decided to group them together. I'm going to keep these short again as I still have a lot of movies to discuss!

The Muppets Take Manhattan (1984)
I'm a big fan of the Muppets and have written about two other Muppet movies on this blog. Somehow I hadn't seen this one before.
The Muppets play themselves in this movie, with the only difference being that they are recent college graduates, just like how some of them were reporters in The Great Muppet Caper. The next two Muppet movies would have the Muppets playing characters from famous works. While I love The Muppet Christmas Carol, it is also fun to see the Muppets being... the Muppets!
There is no breaking of the fourth wall which is unusual for a Muppet movie. But to make up for this there are tons of cameos which is what you expect when it comes to the Muppets. This movie features an early role for Gates McFadden who later became famous for her role as Dr. Beverly Crusher on Star Trek: The Next Generation.
The song "Together Again" from this movie is one of the best songs by the Muppets. The Muppets Take Manhattan was nominated for an Oscar for Best Original Song Score but lost out to Prince's Purple Rain.
This is the only Muppet movie to be directed by Frank Oz. It was also only the second movie he directed, with the first being Dark Crystal (1982).
I liked The Muppets Take Manhattan but its just not as good as the other Muppet movies. There is some filler like the Muppet babies segment which apparently only existed to launch the cartoon series which I loved as a kid. This is also the last Muppet movie Jim Henson made as he died in 1990.
The only other theatrical Muppet movies I have left to see are Muppet Treasure Island (I saw it as a child but don't remember much and need to re-watch it) and Muppets in Space.
6/10

The Goonies (1985)
This is a movie that I heard a lot about but had never seen before. The basic story is about a group of friends who stumble upon a treasure map which leads them on a crazy adventure to find the loot that once belonged to the pirate One-Eyed Willie. Although I liked The Goonies, I wonder if I would have enjoyed it more had I seen it as a child.
The cast of  kids features Sean Astin, Josh Brolin, Corey Feldman, and Jonathan Ke Quan (Short Round from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom).
The villains (the Fratellis) were good and of course I enjoyed the performance of the late John Matuszak, a football player turned actor, as the iconic Sloth.
This is actually only the second movie I have seen (the other being Superman) directed by Richard Donner. However, he did direct several episodes of TV Shows I like such as The Twilight Zone, Tales from the Crypt, Get Smart, and Gilligan's Island.
I'm not sure why people still want a sequel to The Goonies now that its been over 25 years. That said, I'm surprised that it didn't get a follow-up back in the 80s. I guess the reason for this is because The Goonies was only moderately successful and not a giant box office hit. The movie has a sizable cult following so perhaps the sequel wanted by the fans will indeed happen someday. Tron: Legacy did pretty damn well, especially considering it came out 28 years after the original, so maybe there is hope for The Goonies 2 after all.

6/10

Crimewave (1985)
Although this movie is a collaboration between Sam Raimi (director), the Coen brothers (writers), and Bruce Campbell (supporting actor) I came into Crimewave expecting the worst. Don't get me wrong, I love all of these guys, but I have heard that this early work from these directors/writers/actors had a disastrous production that seemed doomed from the start. Director Sam Raimi even disowned the movie due to studio interference, one example being that he wanted Bruce Campbell to be the leading man but the powers that be said no. While that would have made things better, a lot went wrong here and its not a surprise that the movie ended up being bad. Crimewave is still not down there with the worst movies I have ever seen, but it doesn't have that "so bad, it's good" feeling of a movie like Batman & Robin.
The story honestly doesn't make much sense so I'm not even going to bother trying to explain it, especially since its been a few months since I've seen it. Crimewave tries to be a live action cartoon (think Looney Tunes or Tom & Jerry) but the concept just doesn't work and the result is not funny. I remember the movie Mousehunt did the same thing and although its been a long time since I've seen it and didn't love it, it did a better job at that sort of thing than this movie.
Our main character, Vic Ajax, is played Reed Birney. As I alluded to earlier Birney is miscast and doesn't work in the role at all.  Edward Pressman has a minor role as Ernest Trend and is just plain awful. To be fair the guy only has two acting credits including this movie and mostly works as a producer. Can't say I'm surprised!
Bruce Campbell is entertaining as usual and its fun to see him play the heel. However, the studio should have let Campbell be the lead as Raimi intended.
Brion James (Blade Runner, Enemy Mine, The Fifth Element) plays one of the villains. To his credit he does feel like a cartoon character even though overall that idea simply failed.
If you are a fan of Sam Raimi, the Coen Brothers, or Bruce Campbell this is an interesting watch to see how far they came and hints of what they would go on to do. For example, the Hudsucker name is featured in this movie and the Coens would go on to make the movie The Hudsucker Proxy. But if you are not a fan of any of these people you should just avoid it. Still, Crimewave is watchable and I give it credit for trying something different even though I feel it doesn't quite work overall.
4/10

To Live and Die in L.A. (1985)
To Live and Die in L.A. was directed by William Friedkin, the man who also made The French Connection and The Exorcist. I actually still need to see both of those as this is the first Friedkin movie I have seen!
Many of the actors in this movie such as William Petersen, Willem Dafoe, and John Turturro were unknown at the time but later became more famous. At the time Dean Stockwell was the most well known actor in the film and he only has a minor role as a lawyer.
The story focuses on the counterfeiter Eric Masters who is perfect at his craft. While making this film there was actually a real counterfeiter on set, so what we see on screen is accurate. The most interesting part about this is that some of the counterfeit money actually made it into circulation!
Although the basic plot of a lawman hunting down a criminal who killed his partner (which is loosely based on the story of a real Secret Service Agent) is your typical crime thriller, the movie does an amazing job with its in-depth look at our main characters and its unique style for a crime movie.
Masters is being pursued by the authorities and in the process the partner and good friend of our main character, Secret Service agent Richard Chance, gets killed. After this happens Chance vows to do whatever it takes to bring in Masters, no matter what the consequences are. When Chance decides he will break the law if necessary to stop Masters, we see the line between criminals and and the justice system become blurred.
The movie is stylish and has good editing. Some examples of this are when the camera cuts as the counterfeited money is literally cut by a machine and two birds flying together until one flies away when our main character's partner is killed. There is an interesting scene where it appears that Masters is kissing a man but it is revealed to be a woman, his lover Bianca. We later find out that Bianca is a lesbian that he is in love with, (he apparently pays her to be with him as she has her own girlfriend) which I assume is the reason for this editing as he seems to view her as masculine.
I've heard that Miami Vice has a similar arty style but have never seen that show. I guess I should check it out now!

The famous car chase scene is remarkable to watch. Not only is it one of the best chase scenes in the movies, they don't make 'em like much any more since we see more and more CGI and less practical effects in film these days.
Wang Chung did the soundtrack and most of the music in the movie. The use of their song "Dance Hall Days" with the line "you need her and she needs you" being played during a critical scene was brilliant. I know some people don't like 1980s "cheesy" synth pop-rock but I dig it just fine. This is a solid soundtrack that goes well with the movie although its certainly not one of the best soundtracks ever. A cool piece of trivia about Wang Chung's involvement with this movie is that director William Friedkin specifically told the group not to create a theme song. The band later turned in the title track but after Friedkin listened to it he liked it so much that not only did he keep in the soundtrack, he put it in the opening scene! It's a damn shame that Wang Chung is more known for the big hit "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" than their work here.
The setting of L.A. is great and the film gives a great sense of the time and place of the city. Los Angeles basically becomes a character itself and its both the first and last things we see.
I try to avoid spoilers so I'll just say the ending is perfect. It was actually not the original ending in the script as Friedkin decided to change it late in production. The studio did not like the change but I'm glad it turned out the way it did as it fits really well.
9/10

Summer Movie Round-Up Part 3 of 3

This will be the final post covering the movies I have seen so far this summer. Like the previous posts, this one includes 8 brief reviews.

I love Bill Murray, and he is at the top of his game in Stripes. Murray stole the show in Caddyshack (1980) but this time his is the leading man. Murray's character, John, loses his job and his girlfriend so he convinces his best friend Russell (Harold Ramis) to join the army with him. Ivan Reitman directed three films in a row with Bill Murray: Meatballs (1979), Stripes (1981), and Ghost Busters (1984), which also starred Harold Ramis. Although Stripes is a Bill Murray vehicle, we are also treated to early roles  from John Candy, John Larroquette, Judge Reinhold, and Sean Young who all add to the hilarity. The first two thirds of the movie takes place at boot camp where hi jinx ensue. However, it is the last act where the movie really shines. Murray and Ramis steal a secret government vehicle in order to meet up with their girlfriends only to have things get out of hand... and "That's the fact, Jack!"
Stripes joins a 7/10!

One of my new favorite directors is David Cronenberg. I absolutely love Videodrome (1983) and Dead Ringers (1988) and have been seeking out more of his films. They Came from Within (1975), also known as Shivers, was Cronenberg's first full-length film. Not surprisingly it is pretty raw, although since the movie is about parasites that infect the residents of a high-rise and turn them into sex-crazed zombies, it works in the film's favor. The special effects and gore are pretty good considering the low budget. Probably the best example is the horrifying bath tub scene which is depicted on the poster. It is interesting to see Cronenberg's body horror at an early stage and how the themes of flesh and technology would be further developed upon in his later films. Like most of Cronenberg's movies, this was filmed in Canada, specifically in the city of Montreal. Almost the entire movie takes place in an apartment complex. Even though it is a huge building, it leads to a claustrophobic setting since all the rooms and hallways are small to accommodate so many people, which helps add to the suspense. So far this is the weakest film I have seen by him, but I still enjoyed it. Cronenberg's next film, A Dangerous Method, will be released later this year and is about Freud and Jung.
They Come From Within infects a 6/10!

The last two round-ups have featured many movies from the last year or two, so now I get to change things up a bit with (so far) the oldest movie I have reviewed on this blog. The Mummy (1932) stars Boris Karloff as Imhotep and also features African-American actor Noble Johnson as "The Nubian." The film starts out with a fantastic scene in which the mummy is discovered in 1922. The screams are haunting and this creepy opening still holds up today. After this great beginning, the story jumps ahead ten years and unfortunately the story slows down. Imhotep pretends to be a modern Egyptian, and finds a woman who was his lover has been reincarnated. While the final scene is just as good as the first, most of the movie is dialogue heavy with not much happening. I am not asking for non-stop action, but it felt a repetitive at times. I did enjoy the flashback scene, although it was heavily cut for its theatrical release and that footage is sadly lost. Critics have never put The Mummy on the same level as Frankenstein (1931) or Dracula (1931) and although I haven't seen those films yet, I think I can see why. Simply put, not enough happens, although I think the explanation is that unlike those two films, this one was not based on a novel. I have a feeling that audiences in 1932 would have had a greater appreciation for the characters simply talking than we do today. But all things considered The Mummy is still a classic early horror film with great cinematography and atmosphere. Karloff manages to make his character an intimidating force to be reckoned with, yet one the audience feels bad for as he literally waited thousands of years to get back the woman he loves. Although Karloff had already hit the big time as Frankenstein's monster a year earlier, it was films like The Mummy that helped cement his status as a star. "Karloff the Uncanny," indeed.
The Mummy wraps up a 7/10!

I got to admit I was pleasantly surprised by Devil (2010). Although directed by John Erick Dowdle, M. Night Shyamalan is credited as a writer and producer. While I haven't seen Shyamalan's more recent films, I have not heard good things about them. However, Devil is a solid contained thriller about group of people trapped in an elevator who apparently have Satan himself in their midst. Like many of Shyamalan's films, this one takes place in the Philadelphia area, specifically center city. While I would have made the devil stuff more ambiguous, I did like it. The characters stuck in the elevator were well written and it was interesting to them interact with each other as the situation got increasingly worse. The detective investigating the situation is not played by the best actor, but I did like how his storyline coincided with one of the people in the elevator. Even if Shyamalan did direct this, I still wouldn't call it a comeback, but it is a step in the right direction.
Devil doesn't go to hell with a 6/10!

Time to take a break from horror movies and thrillers. I always thought that St. Elmo's Fire (1985) was a John Hughes film, I guess because it features so many members of the "Brat Pack" who were in movies like The Breakfast Club (1985). In fact we have almost half the cast from that movie here! St. Elmo's Fire is actually a Joel Schumacher film. Having recently watched The Lost Boys I was curious to see another of his pre-Batman Forever and Batman and Robin movies. St. Elmo's Fire is about the trials and tribulations of recent college graduates. As a recent college grad myself I felt it was the right time to see this one! Overall this wasn't really my cup of tea, although the characters were interesting and the directing was fine. What I want to know is how these seven guys and girls all became friends in the first place since they were all pretty different and it therefore felt like an unrealistic group. Also I don't understand how Rob Lowe's character got into Georgetown, but whatever. Anyway I'm glad I saw this since I had heard the quote "You cannot have the Pretenders' first album!" and now know its from this movie. Also featuring Andie McDowell and Jenny Wright (Near Dark).
St. Elmo's Fire burns up a 5/10!
   

Finally I get to write about a truly awful movie, Robot Holocaust (1986)! I first heard about this one through Mystery Science Theater 3000, so when I saw it was in available for free in HD via Comcast On Demand, I had to see it. Once or twice I had seen a MST3K movie in its original form, but never has one looked so good when it comes to picture quality. The plot (or lack thereof) is about a rebel named Neo who teams up with a robot that makes Jar Jar Binks seem like John Wayne in comparison. Together they meet up with a woman warrior, a Beastmaster wanna-be, and a rebel girl in order to defeat an evil computer ("The Dark One" although it is a glowing orange ball and not dark at all!) that has taken over the world. This movie rips off everything from The Terminator to Star Wars to Mad Max to Alien. When a movie borrows music from Laserblast, you know its going to be bad. If you took a drink every time a character uttered "the Dark One" you would be in a coma in 10 minutes. As bad as this movie was, I got through it without too much permanent brain damage so it was still watchable. I was laughing at it and cracking jokes, but I've seen some movies so boring and bad that I couldn't even do that. Robot Holocaust is still in so bad its good territory, although barely.
After watching the movie I decided to see the MST3K episode. This is a first season episode and I noticed that Joel and the bots use more sight gags in the theater than in the later seasons. Also it was interesting to see Josh "J. Elvis" Weinstein who played Dr. Forrester's original sidekick Dr. Laurence Erhardt as well as Tom Servo. Dr. Erhardt would be replaced with TV's Frank (played by Frank Conniff) and Kevin Murphy took over as Servo. I thought he was fine (he was a little annoying as Dr. Erdhart though that was the point) but that the other two were simply better fits for the show. For an early episode I was surprised about how good it was. I loved the recurring jokes about Valaria's "accent" and the Ted Nugent references. One of my favorite riffs was "In the future, all robots will act like Don Knotts!"
Robot Holocaust craps out a 2/10. Stick with the MST3K episode.

I have now seen two movies directed by Wes Craven, but still haven't gotten around to seeing A Nightmare on Elm Street. Funny how that works out. I liked Craven's The Serpent and the Rainbow (a cool zombie flick) as well as his work on the 80s Twilight Zone (the show is nowhere near as good as the original but still a decent sci-fi/fantasy/horror anthology show and better than the 2002 version). However, Shocker (1989) was a bit of a mess. Shocker is about a serial killer who comes back from the dead after being killed on the electric chair. The main problem with Shocker is that it doesn't know what it wants to be. At first the main character, Jonathan Parker, can interact with the killer in reality through his dreams. This part is kinda like The Dead Zone meets Nightmare on Elm Street. Then after the serial killer, Horace Pinker (Mitch Pileggi) comes back from the dead, he can inhabit the bodies of other people and the dream aspect is mostly dropped. The first two acts are played pretty seriously but the movie turns into a horror-comedy for the last act when the serial killer uses a satellite dish to go inside television programs! While this was a huge tone shift that felt out of place, I must admit, it was funny. Horace sucks Jonathan into the TV in an attempt to kill him and they run through everything from war films to Leave it to Beaver! One of the things I did like was the revelation which established a strong connection between Jonathan to Horace. Mitch Pileggi was great as a serial killer and Ted Raimi had a fun but small role. I enjoyed the 80s metal soundtrack. Although the directing was fine, the writing could have been a lot better. When Horace's supernatural powers like taking over bodies and traveling through television signals are revealed to others, they buy into it way too quickly, even newscasters! I wouldn't mind this if the story was taking place in the world of Harry Potter or something, but this is clearly grounded in the real world and these are unrealistic reactions. Also the actor who played Jonathan, Peter Berg, wasn't very good and often whispered his lines for no reason. I think I'll stay away from Craven until I get to see Nightmare on Elm Street and Scream.
Shocker shocks its way a 4/10!

I loved the first Fright Night (1985) so I had been meaning to see Fright Night Part 2 (1988) for a long time. Although this is a fantasy-horror movie, unlike Shocker it clearly takes place in the our world as the movie starts out with Charley (William Ragsdale) seeing a psychologist who tries to convince him that vampires aren't real. The first one came out in 1985 so the sequel takes place in real time, three years later. This sequel has the two main characters (Charley and Peter Vincent, host of the fictional late night horror movie show, Fright Night) return and this time they have to deal with a vengeful vampire who wants revenge for her brother in the first film. Unlike many sequels, this movie is not a rehash but instead a good continuation with some nice twists to keep the viewer guessing. Roddy McDowell was fantastic as Peter Vincent in the first Fright Night and he is just as entertaining (as always!) this time around. I only wish that his character got a bit more closure. Like the original, this one does a good job of balancing humor with creepy horror. Overall Fright Night Part 2 is not as good as the first, but still a solid sequel that will please fans of the first movie, though its not as memorable as the original. Now I just hope that the Fright Night remake is good!
Fright Night Part 2 sinks its fangs into a 5/10!

I am now caught up with the movies I have seen this summer! I therefore probably won't have a post tomorrow, but should have one up for Wednesday 6/29. See you then!